〈願成蝶〉後記

樂 近 英

寫完紀念袁國柱神父逝世十週年的文章後，心中覺得惆悵。我年青的時日，所喜愛的神父，那位曾經帶領我，教導我，安慰我的老師，怎麼可能曾從我的記憶中消失過？寫這篇＜願成蝶＞的文章時，所描述的點點滴滴，竟又打開了被我封鎖的記憶，勾出了我的眼淚。我或坐或立，隨時眼淚都能含淚滿眶。為自己未能盡反哺之心而懊惱。體會出樹欲靜而風不止，子欲養而親不在的無奈。
不祗一次我翻讀神父當年給我的信件，我想知道是什麼事曾使我與神父失去了聯絡？我盤算著日子，從我最後見到神父的面的那年，到神父去世的1998年，有九年之久啊！我怎麼那般遲鈍……神父去世至今已有九年了，我簡直無法相信十八年就這樣過去。但想到早年與神父交往的甘甜，彷彿上次見到神父的面，還是昨天。
我翻遍了抽屜，想看看還有沒有那種熟悉的信封？想看看能不能再找到有可能性遺漏的信件？我把神父多年寫給我的信，再依照年代排列了一次，想確定一下神父最後一次給我的信是那個年代？
神父寫的又是什麼？我想知道的事很多，誰又能給我解答？
十一月初的一天，兒子Santi與未婚妻子 Gina回家來幫助外子與我整理車庫。今年的秋天來得晚，已經十一月了，天氣還十分暖和。我們想趁天氣好，快把多年不用的物品處理掉。把該丟的，該捐的做一些準備。突然 Santi 看見一包裝在塑膠袋裏的郵票，懸掛在車庫的一根柱子上，他本能的大叫：「是 Lino送我的郵票。」我隨著兒子指的方向觀望，就在剎那間，我看見了那種神父常用的航空信封，裏面裝著的竟是袁神父的信。真是意外的驚喜。雖然那是四封神父在1982、1985、1986 及1987年來的信，信的內容已經不復記憶。但那天重讀神父的信時，竟然像是讀神父新來的信一般。我一遍一遍的讀著，如獲至寶似的欣喜。
在神父 1986 年2月13 日的來信中， 神父寫著：

“CC, You have been visited by God. And you are
responding to that visit. My only comment is: “Go
slowly”. You want to know more: that is a must. But the
“religious” faith is based much more in “love”; a love for
God, a love for Jesus Christ and love for others; a love in
which God has His presence; when we love in faith we
find God in the persons who love us and in those whom
we love….. Our relationship with God is also a love
relationship….. The presence of God in our lives is a slow
process of a changing heart….

「我們與天主的關係也就是愛的關係…」，不正是前幾天弘宣天神父給我的信中所強調的嗎？我真是喜出望外。那天下午，我把神父三十一年中給我的信件，一頁一頁的放在透明的塑膠套中，再把一頁一頁的塑膠套放在大型的講義夾裏。一本神父信件的專集就成型了。
我開始相信一定還有別的信件，在匆忙的生活中，被我隨手擱放，日子久了就想不起來了。我決定開始尋找，我從照相簿及記事簿中著手，我耐心的翻著照相簿中的每一頁，我希望我曾經把神父的信件收集在照相簿中或是夾在記事簿中，就在最後的幾本記事簿中，我真的找到了兩封最寶貴的信，一封是神父 1989年的來信，一封是神父 1997年7月的來信。
1989年3月20日神父的信中寫著：

“Dearest Carol,
Yesterday morning I received your phone and talked
to you over it: It was a nice thing, and it pleased me a lot.
To see you are happy and hear your laughter! Today is the
day after, as promised; I do not want to make you wait for
another week.
You are right to ask yourself why “our religious
experiences, attitude and conviction are so different?”
That you have finally understood me in this last trip is
something that I will wait for experience to confirm it.
But you are right when you say that I love you in XT. This
“in Christ” is not a limit to the love I have for you, but a
modifier, clarifying to you why I love you. What kind of
love is it, and that it will last as long as Christ will last:
it also indicates the kind of manifestations of love I will
give you “Christian” or “in Christ”.
Carol, you do not have to feel rejected because I told
you not to come to Kaohsiung in your last day: I told you
not to come, because you were coming to pray for me in
the Charismatic way; ….
I do believe that prayer has a tremendous power and
I have experienced it. But I do not think that it has to be
through the imposition of hands and being by the side of
the one praying. All this is to put limits to a prayer that
I do not understand: you can pray for me from Taipei,
from Palo Alto with exactly the same good result as if you
were in Kaohsiung. So, to my understanding the trip to
Kaohsiung of you two (he means Fr. Richard Wang and
I) would had been a waste of time. This is, Carol, what I
honestly think: nothing of rejection, or not accepting you.
As I expressed in my previous letter, God’s ways are many
and He brings each one by the one He chooses for him:
and we have to respect this will of God, this way of doing
of God, and not imposed on others, the way God leads me.
So, Carol, here you have a few lines from me. As you
say, let us continue praying “you for me and me for you.”
Good bye now; say hallo to all at home and please
be at peace with me, even if we are different. (ha! ha! ha!)
With my blessing, Marceline Andreu S.J.

那年我收到神父的這封信時，一定是很失望。這是我為何把它放在記事簿中的原因。在老舊的信紙上，似乎有水痕，我猜想那年我收到神父的信時，我曾失望得哭過。信被夾在記事簿中以後，我可能沒有再讀過它。從這封信中，我發現天主對神父的召叫，與天主對我的召叫不一樣。神父的宗教經驗與我的宗教經驗不一樣。神父告訴我，他不是拒絕我，但我認為我是被拒絕了。
從我在1964年領洗後，從來沒有經驗過天主聖神進入我靈性深處，實實在在建立的個人經驗。1986年天主藉著王敬弘神父的宣講，使我在一夜之間脫胎換骨，變成新造的人。聖神帶給我的喜樂，如同久旱逢甘霖。聖神賜給我的生命，如同上主使枯骨復生。
這種快樂的日子，誰能放棄？我從此不再給神父寫信。
1989年4月18日神父又來信，他信的內容是這樣的：

Dearest Carol:
You spoke with me this morning, although I am
already back in Kaohsiung. I just want to comment a little
more this morning phone conversation to add to your peace
and to your love for God.
Your first obligation before God is to help in the
forming of a peaceful and harmonious family under God:
No sacrifice for others outside the family and no care for
needy people outside your home is acceptable to God if
it brings quarreling at home, if it breaks the peace and
harmony of a Christian family. And this no matter how
obliged you feel to serve the outsides.
To impose to others what you think is the will of God
is not a way of showing respect to others. They are also
children of God, as you are, they are human persons as you
are, and they are responsible as
You are…..Within the “frame” you have to adjust
what you feel God is asking you to do. This, Carol, requires
lots of humility , of denying yourself, of sacrifice, of
making a true offering of yourself to God……..
So, I am back at Xavier in Kaohsiung: during the long 4
½ hours of train. I thought a lot about your call this morning
and then I decided to write to you. It will take one week
maybe, but you, dearest Carol; will receive it on time…..
Goodbye now and greet all at home starting by CC.
Keep on praying for me.
God bless you always, Carol
Marcelino Andreu, S.J.

神父掛記著我的信仰。教導我凡事以家庭為重。尊重他人，棄絕自己。1989年我對神父的苦心教導，領受不到。若是今日，聽到神父中肯的教導，才懂得珍惜。那年，我仍保持安靜，一年沒有給神父寫過隻字片語。
一年以後，1990年5月4日神父再度來信：

Dearest Carol,
It is a very very long time since I heard from you or
you from me. So, I want to put a few lines to inquire about
you and your family. How are you doing, Carol?
My health is about the same……..
In December I went to the States for a second opinion….
For the rest, I busy myself with students, with
administration work,with readings and other works.
O.K. Carol, I hope everything is going well to you and
at home. Keep being good to our dear Jesus and say hello
to Him for me once in a while.
Bye, Carol M. Andreu, S.J.

比起早年神父的來信，神父的信短了。神父寫的字體，比以前更難辨認。我沒有想到是神父的病情比較嚴重。我還是保持沉默。
我的不言不語有七年之久。從1990到 1997年之間，神父沒有再來過信。漸漸地，我對他的記憶淡了。在那七年之間，發生在我生命週遭的事很多：陶雅各神父去世，我父親，公公，姐夫相繼去世。我隨著美國的朝聖團去過葡萄牙，西班牙，以色列，義大利， 南斯拉夫等地朝聖。
最重要的是我靈修道路的改變。天主引領我進入深入的靜觀祈禱，我於1994年走出了神恩復興運動。早年，這些事都是我在每月給他的信件中所報告的事項。但在1990年到1997年之間，我忘了給神父去信。甚至於我有了困難時，也忘了請神父指導。
1996年在去以色列朝望途中，我遇見了 Helen Bunje，她從此變成指導我的靈修導師。
1997年暑假的一天，甘國棟神父到我家的城鎮Palo Alto來拜訪外子與我。甘神父一進我家大門就告訴我，他帶來的是袁國柱神父的祝福。我從甘神父的手中鄭重地接受了袁神父的祝福後，我找出兩張照片請甘神父帶給台北的袁神父：一張是我母親87歲時的照片，另一張是我與兒子Santi及女兒Barbara 的合影。
不記得過了多久，我收到袁神父 1997年7月30日的來信。就是我在記事簿中找到的那封信，也是神父寫給我的最後一封信：

Dearest Carol:
It has been a great and joyful surprised to receive the
pictures of all of you; such a nice family and so handsome
persons in it. Thank you very much, Carol.
I enjoy the pictures very much: Your mom looks
much younger than what she is. She looks like a dignified
matron, with dignity and pose, as a mother and wife who
has done well in life. Say hallo to her for me.
Santi has grown a lot; if you flatten your hair do
he towers over you by a full head length. I think that it
fits to him the following joke: Four ladies were spending
their leisure time in pub taking a coffee to kill their time.
They begun a little small talk and one said: Sine my boy
was ordained priest five months ago, I am the happiest
mother in the world; everybody in the parish call me “The
reverend’s mother” And what is that: said another mom: my
son is a bishop, and they call me: his Excellency’s mother.
The third on laughed and said; stop say nonsense: my son
is Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church and they address
me: his Eminence’s mother. The fourth lady did not say a
word, until she was asked about her son. She humbly said:
“My son is nothing like that: he is a good basketball player,
a very tall boy, some 196cm. When people look at him all
say: “Oh, my God!” (Time to laugh!)
Barbara and Santi look very contented persons; I
wonder whether Eric will continue growing high and tall
as Santi. Give my best to all three. And you, Carol, you
are really in the prime time of your life. Carol, you look
young, healthy and happy. Keep it like that!
My health? Ups and downs! If I back my blood with
medicines, I can still do something: if I stop them, then
my blood becomes a misery, it is part of my caner to the
Lymph. As Fr. Arruepe said: “No better place to be and stay
than in the hands of God, where it is where I am now!”
I have heard, more often than what you guess, very
good things about you: keep on, Carol. I know that once
God has entered one person’s heart, it is difficult to be free
for things that away from Him.
My best to CC. Rely on him, Carol, and follow his
advices, even in matters religious; CC has a very good
judgments; following always first what God asks from
every individual.
Bye now, Carol, you made me very happy with the
pictures you sent. God bless you all,
Marcelino Andreu, S.J.

收到這封信，我大概沒有回信。不然這封信就不會是最後一封信了。信裏的字是打字機打的。我今天才發現，信中有很多拼錯的字。我奇怪當年我為什麼沒有懷疑神父的病情可能很嚴重了。神父在給我的信中，說了四位婦人談論自己兒子的笑話。但他輕輕帶過他自己的病情。他關心的是我和我的孩子。今天重讀神父的信時，每當看到神父寫一次 “Carol”，就帶給我一次震動，像是神父在對我作最後的呼喚。
1997年7月，王蜀桂為神父寫的傳記：《袁國柱神父耶穌會生涯五十年》在台北出版。最近帆人告訴我，1997年7月在台北聖家堂，有此書的新書發表會，我猜想 1997年7月，發生在神父身旁的事，一定還有很多…。但在他最後給我的信中，神父都沒有提。彷彿他的事都不要緊，他只想說：

“Carol, you made me very happy with the pictures you
sent.” 及 “Thank you very much, Carol”

神父1998年去世。他去世九年後，我才懂得什麼是哀悼。我才開始哀悼他。我才懂得什麼是「捨不得」。我才說，我捨不得失去了我最喜歡的袁神父。藉著寫 「願成蝶」我才看到神父對我的愛，是無私的大愛。在1989年3月20日他給我的信中，他特別提到「在基督內愛」(愛，在基督內)時，他特別提到，他對我的愛是在基督內的愛，是與基督一樣久長的愛，將與基督一樣永存。所以神父給我愛，就是永世的，天長地久的愛。
(This “in Christ” is not a limit to the love I have for you, but a
modifier, clarifying to you why I love you. What kind of love is it, and
that it will last as long as Christ will last: it also indicates the kind of
manifestations of love I will give you “Christian” or “in Christ”.)
我再三的讀這段話，使我相信他老早就寬恕了我年輕不懂事。
他不會因我有七年對他不言不語，而停止了他對我的愛。
我的神師 Helen Bunje 告訴我，我是袁神父生的屬靈兒女，是神父受產痛生下來的(如同聖保祿生了眾教曾一樣)，神父一直為我受產痛，直到基督在我內成形為止 (迦4:19)。他知道那七年之間，我是在天主的帶領下徐徐前行。他了解我也跟他一樣，得服從天主對我的召叫。
前天晚上我在祈禱中，透過主耶穌基督，我告訴袁神父，我對他的感謝。我告訴他有關陶雅各神父的葬禮，我父親及公公的離世。我母親在2004年離開人間。
我告訴他，從1990到1997年間，發生過的許多事情…及我去過的聖地。 但我忘了告訴他，我去過西班牙，見過勞治國教授及他的家人。
我還告訴他，明年我們的女兒Barbara 及兒子Santi都將完成終身大事，將成全外子與我的心願。
我也告訴他，我已作了祖母。可惜他沒有看到我進入老年，沒能看見我老年的模樣。
祈禱完畢，我放下了心中的懊惱與不安。我想寫這篇〈願成蝶〉後，帶給我的甜蜜回憶，也應該珍藏起來了。
寫完〈願成蝶〉後，經由林谷的介紹，我在電子通訊中，結識弘宣天神父。弘神父是袁神父的好友。弘神父給我的信件不多，字數也少。但我知道他在台北，會為我祈禱。我有宗教上的問題時，他可以為我解惑。他對宗教的教導與袁神父的教導相似。相信他們的幽默也相同。他們在看完 Santi的照片後竟先後告訴我，同一個「四位婦女談論自己兒子」的笑話。願以此文當作聖誕禮物送給弘神父，以紀念他的好友，及我的朋友 dearest Fr. Lino。
袁神父一生敬愛天主，服從聖召，尊敬長上。對「愛的真諦」，以行動做出最完善的詮釋。從他的為人，及他的信件中，處處散發出基督的馨香。
好友瑞雲讀完〈願成蝶〉及〈願成蝶〉後記後，說出畫龍點睛之語：

「袁國柱神父是人中豪傑， 平凡人中之偉大聖人。」

近英於 Palo Alto, 11/30/2007